Pre-script:

In recent days, some friends have been having some back and forth among themselves about the marital concepts and practices of BRIDE PRICE and DOWRY. By way of definition, bride price comprises the payment by the groom (via one of or a combination of money, wealth assets and services) of a price to the parents or family of the bride for the latter’s consent to the marriage. In something of a mirror reflection of bride price, dowry is the wealth that is transferred from the bride's family to the groom or his family, ostensibly for him the take bride away from the family.

Bride price and dowry practices are widespread and deeply rooted, not just in Uganda, but in a lot of other places. There is almost no society in the world where they are unheard of, either in a historical or in a contemporary context. I have spent most of my life living, in unregulated turns, in predominantly Christian, Moslem, Buddhist, Hindu, Confucian, Atheist  and sometimes Animist societies and I have witnessed the practices in all these groups. I have also witnessed bride price or dowry practices among the very rich and the very poor.

Sometimes, in my travels around the world, I have been innocently caught up in the practical intricacies of the practices. In some instances, especially in South Asia, I have stood alongside and even advised friends who were making decisions about which girl to marry based on the size of the dowry; and I also have counseled girls and their families about decisions on paying dowry, which sometimes involves getting into heavy debt. I once mourned with a friend in West Africa who could not marry the girl he loved because he could not pay the bride price her family asked for. My wife and I also have a friend who was more or less forced into a marriage in which the issues around dowry were a big factor. Some time into the marriage, she told us: “He is a really good guy. I am learning to love him.” What can one say? Like all things human, it is neither easy nor straightforward to draw hard and fast conclusions about any ills or benefits that may be associated with making a pecuniary payment to marry someone or being paid a certain pecuniary to marry someone.

In my own family, paying or receiving bride price seems to have gone out of fashion or has been actively discouraged for at least six generations, ever since my great-grandfather Seezi (Seth) Ssanga was baptized into the Christian faith in the late 1870s and spoke out against it. My parents’ advice to us was to let any prospective in-love know ahead of time that, we as a family, do not attach any pecuniary (or monetary) value to the bride or the groom. This has not stopped us from entering into truly beautiful and blessed matrimonial relationships.

While making no judgment on other people’s preferences and practices, I would like to share a recent letter that I wrote to my niece Sybella and my nephew-in-law on the occasion of their marriage. In the letter, I share with Sybella and Allan: (1) the perspective of someone from a second-culture who has a very pro-bride price inclination, someone for whom a marriage is almost an empty vessel if no bride price has been paid; and (2) my own perspective as to how, as my great-grandfather opined, a healthy marital relationship can be built (without pecuniary interventions) on the basis of love – particularly, erotic love (Eros), affectionate love (philia) and selfless love (Agape) under the umbrella of God’s love.

Letter to my niece and nephew-in-love

Dear Sybella and Allan,

First of all, greetings to our grandparent, parents, children, grandchildren, in-loves, friends who are with us today: greetings in the Name of Our Lord and Saviour. Thank you for joining us as we celebrate Sybella and Allan’s marriage.

Sybella and Allan, congratulations. Your Jjaja Mukyaala and I are sorry that we cannot be with you today as you start on your life time journey together. However, you know that, through the love of God the Father, the grace of Jesus the Son and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, we are joined with you and celebrate with you. May you be blessed, today and always.

Sybella, I remember when you brought Allan home in February to visit the family (okukyaala). As Jjaja, I took the opportunity to give Allan a bit of a hard time – you know, …. . I poked his ribs a little bit with a few jokes; I asked him some provocative questions; I questioned his motives for coming to our house; I think I even asked him why he had come with someone named Nanteza, which is our mother’s name, and I tried to stand on his toes!! In the end, I told him that I was going to get a big dog (mbwa kaali saana!) to stop him from coming to our house. In spite of Jajja’s seemingly cantankerous provocations, Allan insisted that no one and nothing was going to come between him and the love of his life. I like him for that tenacity. I am sure you like it too. Now, give him a hug and kiss and tell him that we hope that all is forgiven and forgotten. …. Please, don’t forget the hug and kiss … NOW!

Allan, obviously, you know a perfect girl when you see one! You are taking from our home, a girl, now your wife, who is more precious than silver and more pure than gold. … A few days ago, here in the Asian country where we  live, I showed Sybella’s picture to my driver and told him that my niece is getting married. My driver’s face lit up like a lamp. He smiled and with his face and voice full of joy, he asked me, “How much money and gold is the boy paying for her?” I said, “Nothing!” He could not believe it! So, he asked, “Sir, how much did you pay for your wife?” Again, I answered, “Nothing!” He looked down at the ground in disbelief and said, “Such beautiful wives for nothing?” …. What my driver does not know and may never understand is that, just like I did not get my wife for nothing, you are also not getting your wife for nothing.

Allan, ever since Sybella mentioned you as someone that she would like to marry, we have been taking your measurements, and prayerfully asking ourselves: is Allan as precious and pure as the girl that he wants to marry? Our unanimous answer has been a resounding YES! So, Allan, you have paid for your wife by the person that you have shown Sybella and her family to be. You too are more precious than silver and more pure than gold. We know that you love Sybella a lot, and we know that Sybella loves you in equal measure. We also know that the two of you have built and will always build your love for each on the incredible love that God Our Father has bestowed upon us through the gift of His Son, Jesus Christ our Saviour. For us, there is only one thing that we ever ask of anyone, woman or man, who desire to join  our family through the God-ordained institution of marriage. We ask for unconditional love – love that is built on Jesus’s love for us. You have paid the price, Allan. Welcome to the family. The welcome, of course, extends to your family and friends.

So, Sybella and Allan, we, as a family, would like to pray a couple of blessings on you as you start your life together. And, of course, we are not unmindful of the fact as God’s blessings are prayed, they spread and impact all of us who are with you, and we take them with us where we may go. The first blessing is adapted from an Irish blessings song which I intend to install on your phones in the coming days. It is also on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hA1F0uOuMFs.

So, let us pray:

Sybella and Allan:

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your backs. 
May the sun shine warm upon your faces. 
May the rains fall soft upon your fields.
May you give us many grandchildren. 
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

The second blessing is from  the Book of Numbers. It is one that we have used to bless each other and other people in our family for five generations ever since the days of your great-great-grandparents who were the first people to hear the Good News of the love of Jesus in our family:

The Lord bless you

and keep you;

the Lord make his face shine on you

and be gracious to you;

the Lord turn his face toward you

and give you peace.

Jjaja Mwaami and Jjaja Mukyaala, 03 November 2018